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These are some quotes that I picked up. Some are serious, some are funny, some are stupid…but, well they are all quotes. Have fun!


Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.

Ralph Waldo Emerson


I don't care how much of a lama he is, he still needs his mother.

Maria Torres, Spanish woman whose 10-year-old son is believed by  Tibetan monks to be a reincarnated lama

Parents like the idea of kids, they just don't like their kids.
Morley Saefer, on ‘Politically Incorrect’
Kids' views are often just as valid as the teachers'. The best teachers are the ones that know that.
Morley Saefer, on ‘Politically Incorrect’

It's the mind that makes the body

Sojourner Truth


Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom

Hannah Arendt


Why note seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation?

Jane Austen


It is no sin to attempt and fail. The only sin is not to make the attempt.

SuEllen Fried


You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.

Margaret Thatcher


Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike



It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you.

Janet Greeson


Today, if you're not confused, you are not thinking clearly.

Irene Peter


Communication is a measurable asset.
      Susan Sampsett


Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

    John Russell

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

       Mark Twain

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.

Dan Rather
Men willingly believe what they wish.
Julius Caesar
Well done is quickly done.
Augustus Caesar
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
Publilius Syrus
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
Augustus Caesar

Before you contradict an old man, my fair friend, you should endeavor to understand him.

      George Santayana

I have long since come to believe that people never mean half of what they say, and that it is best to disregard their talk and judge only their actions.

    Dorothy Day

Approach each new problem not with a view of finding what you hope will be there, but to get the truth, the realities that must be grappled with. You may not like what you find. In that case you are entitled to try to change it. But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation.

    Bernard M. Baruch

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.

      Madame Swetchine

Biography lends to death a new terror.

      Oscar Wilde

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

      Carl Sandburg

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

    Paul Dirac

Let us overthrow the totems, break the taboos. Or better, let us consider them cancelled. Coldly, let us be intelligent.

    Pierre Trudeau

Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.

    Aldous Huxley

We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special.

    Stephen Hawking

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

    James Joyce

Anyone who says businessmen deal in facts, not fiction, has never read old five-year projections.

    Malcom Forbes

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts about reality.

    Franklin Delano Roosevelt

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

    Woody Allen

Houston, Tranquility Base here. The eagle has landed.

    Buzz Aldrin

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

    Mark Russell

If the programmer can simulate a construct faster then the compiler can implement the construct itself, then the compiler writer has blown it badly.

    Guy L. Steele, Jr., Tartan Laboratories

When faced with a problem, some people say 'Let's use AWK.' Now they have two problems.

    Zalman Stern

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

    Will Rogers

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it.


Do not speak ill of the dead.

    Diogenes Laertius

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

    Dolph Sharp

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, other just go over them.

    Sally Poplin

Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't even lay down his newspaper.

      Helen Rowland

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

      Edna Ferber
War has become a luxury that only small nations can afford.
       Hannah Arendt

If you realize too acutely how valuable time it, you are too paralyzed to do anything.

Katharine Butler Hathaway


This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Dorothy Parker, book review


When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.

Albert Einstein


The only use of a knowledge of the past is to equip us for the present. The present contains all that there is. It is holy ground; for it is the past, and it is the future.

Alfred North Whitehead


Everyone complains of his lack of memory, but nobody of his want of judgment.

La Rochefoucauld


Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.

Nora Roberts


Courage atrophies from lack of use.



Whether a man is burdened by power or enjoys power; whether he is trapped by responsibility or made free by it; whether he is moved by other people and outer forces or moves them -- this is of the essence of leadership.

Theodore H. White


All a man can betray is his conscience.

Joseph Conrad


Dost thou not know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is governed?

Count Oxenstierna


Upper classes are a nation's past; the middle class is its future.

Ayn Rand


The happiest moments of my life have a been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family.

Thomas Jefferson


Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke.

Hermann Hesse


The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.



Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.

G. M. Trevelyan


The trouble with normal is it always gets worse.

Bruce Cockburn


After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

De La Lastra's Law


There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.

Gore Vidal


MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's.

Doug Ferrari

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

    Robert Orben

If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

    Bill Vaughan

I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

    Paula Poundstone

I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say.

    Calvin Coolidge

If you would stand well with a great mind, leave him with a favorable impression of yourself; if with a little mind, leave him with a favorable impression of himself.

    Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Praise the bridge that carried you over.

    George Colman, The Younger

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.

    Leigh Hunt


One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love and to long life.

    Alexander A. Bogomoletz

We confide in our strength, without boasting of it; we respect that of others, without fearing it.

    Thomas Jefferson

Be discreet in all things, and so render it unnecessary to be mysterious about any.

    Arthur Wellesley (first Duke of Wellington)

Few things are impossible to diligence and skill. Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.

    Samuel Johnson

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

    Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732


When you go to buy, use your eyes, not your ears.

    Czech Proverb

Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning," the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

    Lewis Carroll

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

    David Letterman

Memory serves wise commanders.


The most effective debugging tool is still careful thought, coupled with judiciously placed print statements.

    Brian Kernighan

If we die, we want people to accept it. We're in a risky business... The conquest of space is worth the risk of life.

    Gus Grissom

All I ask of my body is that it carry around my head.

    Thomas Alva Edison

I hate to agree with Tim Maroney on anything, but I guess this latest is an example of the fact that even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Lee Lady

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

    Steven Wright

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... it wasn't doing what I was doing.

    Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

    Steven Wright


I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

    Steven Wright


I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

    Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

    Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long... "

    Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

    Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

      Steven Wright
If it helps to make people think a little bit more what those ideals are, then I'll keep wearing this uniform.
Barbara Adams
It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.
Alan Alda
I need to know the price of a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. I need to know right now.
Lamar Alexander
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Gloria Allred
I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.
Anonymous Chinese Student
It's like the coming of civilization.
Anonymous Moscow Resident, opening of the first Russian McDonalds Restaurant
Somehow a bunch of sanctimonious wackos have managed to legalize torture.
Anonymous Airline Passenger, describing the US ban on smoking during airline flights
I'm going through some serious basketball withdrawal here.
Anonymous Basketball Fan
We don't charge for autographs here. We give them away free.
Anonymous Baseball Player
Please, Please, no more of this music.
Anonymous Radio Listener, after French DJ's dusted off old disco records to satisfy new domestic content laws
If you compare ours with the best of French wines, we are definitely not there. But if you compare it to the worst of French wines, we are definitely better.
Anonymous Vintner
Please Lord, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Anonymous T-shirt plea
It was certainly a record for polyester.
Auctioneer, after John Travolta's leisure suit from Saturday Night Fever brought in $145,000 at auction
These are my new shoes. They're good shoes. They won't make you rich like me, they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome like me. They'll only make you have shoes like me. That's it.
Charles Barkley, basketball player
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
Charles Barkley, after elbowing an Angolan basketball player at the Olympic Games
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
Charles Barkley
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994
We were so close to being one of the actual victims. It makes you feel humble.
Robert Lee Bedker, Vietnam war veteran mistakenly listed as killed in action on the Vietnam War Memorial
I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different.
Tony Bennet, singer
I do not like this word bomb. It is not a bomb; it is a device which is exploding.
Jacques Le Blanc, describing France's nuclear testing
My performances have finally caught up with my ego.
Ato Boldon, Trinidadian Sprinter
I watched too much Wile E. Coyote as a kid. I've outgrown it.
Jon Bon Jovi, on why he does not want to play action/adventure roles
Be careful what you swallow. Chew!
Gwendolyn Brooks, advice to graduates
A lot of advertisers lined up to throw money at this stuff because they were caught up in the hysteria about the Web. But now they want to know how you make money selling a $1.59 bottle of dish detergent on the World Wide Web.
Karen Burka, electronic marketing analyst,
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up.
Barbara Bush, first lady
One thing I can say about George...he may not be able to keep a job, but he's not boring.
Barbara Bush, first lady
As if we don't have enough violence on television.
Barbara Bush, after her husband accidentally hit two spectators with golf-balls during a celebrity golf tournament
I take as my guide the hope of a saint:
in crucial things, unity -
in important things, diversity -
in all things, generosity.
George Bush, Inaugural Address
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
George Bush
My grandkids say, "Reality Bites." O.K., but it also challenges and rewards...I believe our best days are yet to come.
George Bush


Is this the Olympics or One Life to Live?
Margaret Carlson, on NBC's excessive use of tearful "Olympic Moments", during its broadcast of the Atlanta Games
I would not vote for the mayor. It's not just because he didn't invite me to dinner, but because on my way into town from the airport there were such enormous potholes.
Fidel Castro, Cuban President
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Dick Clark
What will we all do when the trial is over?
Dick Clark
You didn't tell me what I was getting into.
Dick Clark, during an appearance on 'Politically Incorrect'
You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle.
Bill Clinton, describing a modified piece of legislation
The biggest critics of my books are people who never read them.
Jackie Collins
The two are unrelated. I'm not into turtles or space stuff.
Harry Connick, Jr., explaining the title of his album, Star Turtle
As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russel, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
Bill Cosby
My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn't because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.
Bill Cosby
People will frighten you about a graduation.... They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godspeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
Bill Cosby
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Bill Cosby
Paul, George, and Ringo are recording a song using the last of John's unreleased tapes. It goes "Hello, this is the Lennon residence, I can't come to the phone right now..."
Chris Cox
They're treating him like elvis.
Eddie Davis, describing crowd reaction to Woody Allen's clarinet playing
At least she's the president of something, which is more than I can say.
Bob Dole
If something happened along the route and you had to leave your children with Bob Dole or Bill Clinton, I think you would probably leave them with Bob Dole.
Bob Dole
You feel a little older in the morning. By noon I feel about 55.
Bob Dole
I admit Dole would have the kids asleep earlier.
Justin Schorr, parent, on what it would be like to have Bob Dole as a fill-in parent,
Once they realized it was a humanitarian gesture, they jumped on it.
Patrick Dordan, UPS Deliveryman, who suggested that his company fly the killer whale used in the movie 'Free Willy' to Oregon for rest and recuperation (which they did with a C-130 cargo plane)
This started off as a father-daughter adventure, and it's gotten wonderfully out of hand...I'm going to fly till I die.
Jessica Dubroff, 7 year old American pilot, speaking prophetically to the Times of London, before her fatal plane crash,
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
Gerald Early
Generally when there's a lot of smoke...there's just a whole lot more smoke.
George Foreman, boxer comentator, a fight between Riddick Bowe and Hector Gonzales
These guys from the nation's capitol - now they do a lot of thinking.
George Foreman, referring to boxers from D.C., not politicians
Let the other guy have whatever he wants before the fight. Once the bell rings he's gonna be disappointed anyway.
George Foreman, relating boxing advice he received on posturing before a fight
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Jeff Foxworthy, comedian
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Jeff Foxworthy
I always felt rock and roll was very, very wholesome music.
Aretha Franklin , queen of soul
It's so glamorous, you have to see it.
Aretha Franklin , describing the $92 million Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
Violence is not funny.
William Friedkin, Director
I was looking for an American symbol. A Coca-Cola bottle or a Mickey Mouse would have been ridiculous, doing anything with the American flag would have been insulting, and Cadillac hub caps were just too uncomfortable.
Lizzy Gardiner, Australian clothes designer, who wore a dress made of American Express gold cards to the Academy Awards
I looked up and saw my flag. But I didn't hear my anthem.
Matt Ghaffari, patriotic US Greco-Roman Wrestling Silver Medalist
If Thomas Edison invented electric light today, Dan Rather would report it on CBS News as "candle making industry threatened".
Newt Gingrich, US Congressman and House Speaker
We're all human and we all goof. Do things that may be wrong, but do something.
Newt Gingrich
I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.
Newt Gingrich
It may just be because I get homesick, but I have concluded Washington's cherry blossoms are just plain overrated.
Newt Gingrich
I'm not a natural leader. I'm too intellectual; I'm too abstract; I think too much.
Newt Gingrich
I discourage a cult of personality.
Newt Gingrich, US Congressman and House Speaker, 1995
You will be pleased to know I stand obediently for the national anthem, though of course I would defend your right to remain seated should you so decide.
Ira Glasser
Half the world does not know the joys of wearing cotton underwear.
Phil Gramm, US senator and presidential candidate, promoting US exports
These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.
Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial
Only the little people pay taxes.
Leona Helmsley, hotel owner and prison inmate
In our country they love to build beople up -- and SMASH them.
Florence Henderson, (Mrs Brady), on ‘Politically Incorrect’
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
Buck Henry, commedian
The surge of interest in an unknown talent is unprecedented.
Yoshitaka Hori, manager of Kyoko Date, a computer-generated teen-age Japanese pop singer
I see the President and the First Lady are not here -- probably someplace testifying.
Don Imus, shortly after being criticized for his not-quite-reprintable humor at the Clinton's expense
People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
Pete Incaviglia, baseball player
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
Bob Inglis
I was a veteran, before I was a teenager.
Michael Jackson, singer, songwriter, and megastar
Me and Janet really are two different people.
Michael Jackson
I like bubbles and the whole thing. That's the fun of taking a bath.
Earvin 'Magic' Johnson, basketball virtuoso, on his Magic's Elixir Bubble Bath
We composers are at least as significant as the stars who make $14 million or $15 million. You just don't see us.
Michael Kamen, movie score composer
I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.
Rose Kennedy, on her 100th birthday
Tony is one of the most courageous people I've ever met.
Steve Komac, high school wrestling coach, describing his student, Tony Brown, wrestling competitively at 105 lbs, a year after having both legs amputated following an accident
If you had to have a diploma or a GED to collect unemployment, you'd see a lot more kids staying in school.
Wayne Knight, actor, on ‘Politically Incorrect’, 1995
In the middle ages, people took potions for their ailments. In the 19th century they took snake oil. Citizens of today's shiny, technological age are too modern for that. They take antioxidants and extract of cactus instead.
Charles Krauthammer,
After endless days of commuting on the freeway to an antiseptic, sealed-window office, there is a great urge to backpack in the woods and build a fire.
Charles Krauthammer
This is New York, and there's no law against being annoying.
William Kunstler, lawyer
I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake" he said. "They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much."
Anthony Lake, national security advisor at graduation
A distributed system is one in which the failure of a computer you didn't even know existed can render your own computer unusable.
Leslie Lamport
If you knew how meat was made, you'd probably lose your lunch. I'm from cattle country. That's why I became a vegetarian.
K.D. Lang
Be careful out there. There are things that go bump in the night. Actually, there are things that go 'Give me your wallet or I'll kill you' in the night.
John Larroquette, actor
It's not Jerusalem, It's not Baghdad. It's not Bolivia. It's Oklahoma.
V.Z. Lawton, bombing survivor
That's what's cool about working with computers. They don't argue, they remember everything and they don't drink all your beer.
Paul Leary, guitar player,
I now know how Abbot felt when Costello left, how Brinkley felt when Huntley left, how Sears felt when Roebuck left, and, of course, how Dan Rather felt when Connie left.
Jim Lehrer, at Robert MacNeil's retirement dinner
Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.
David Letterman
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.
David Letterman
For the love of god, folks, don't do this at home.
David Letterman ,demonstrating the Donut-o-pult
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
David Letterman, after doing a less-than-wonderful job of hosting the Academy Awards
It's true that I did get the girl, but then my grandfather always said, "Even a blind chicken finds a few grains of corn now and then."
Lyle Lovett, upon marrying actress Julia Roberts
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Bill Maher, commedian and commentator
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Bill Maher
Does Mike Tyson live near here?
Nelson Mandela, South African president, during a tour of New York City
I had it all, and I blew it.
Mickey Mantle, baseball player, shortly before dying from cancer and other complications of alcoholism
It's the biggest thing to happen to purple since Barney.
Gary Marshall
Look, I do hair for a living. If you want to find out what the American people are thinking about, do you sit in an attorney's office or in a barbershop?
Monte Moreno, boxer, hairstylist, and republican senate candidate in Minnesota
What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are.
Alanis Morissette, singer
My ambition is to do a good job. I never plan anything.
Ilie Nastase, former professional tennis player, running for mayor of Bucharest, Romania
My generation, faced as it grew with a choice between religious belief and existential despair, chose marijuana. Now we are in our Cabernet stage.
Peggy Noonan, speech writer for presidents Reagan and Bush
I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to run around like Dennis Rodman and head-butt somebody.
Greg Norman, Australian professional golfer, after losing the Masters tournament,
I'm like John Wayne. I only play good guys.
Oliver North, retired US marine colonel, describing his cameo role on a TV series
The west wasn't won on salad.
ND Beef Council, billboard advertisement, 1990
There’s some trophy value to having artists of this magnitude.
Don Passmani, lawyer for Janet Jackson, after his client signed an $80 million contract with Virgin Records
You don't need any brains to listen to music.
Luciano Pavarotti, opera singer
I've been subjected -- I think that's the word -- to that music for years by my children.
I.M. Pei, architect for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
Musically, we are more talented than any Bob Dylan. Musically, we are more talented than Paul McCartney...I'm the new Elvis.
Robert Pilatus, "singer" in the musical group Milli Vanilli
I respect everyone. I even respect journalists.
Alexander "the Russian Rocket" Popov, double-gold medallist in swimming, responding politely to inane comments by an NBC interviewer
Think hard about it: I'm running out of demons. I'm running out of villains. I'm down to Castro and Kim Il Sung.
Colin Powell, US general and chairman of joint chiefs of staff
I don't want to describe the hate mail we've gotten.
Alma Powell, Colin's wife, on why she was fearful of her husband running for president - from an interview in the Ladies Home Journal
I don't even now how to use a parking meter, let alone a phone box.
Princess Diana
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.
Dan Quayle, IN senator and US vice president, during a speech in Hawaii
What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is.
Dan Quayle
Enough of blood and tears. Enough!
Yitzhak Rabin, Israeli Prime Minister and Nobel Peace Prize recipient
I'll trust you to make sure that doesn't happen.
Dan Rather, to the pilot of a deep sea submersible, upon finding out what would happen if the craft sprung a leak while submerged
What I say or do here won't matter much, nor should it.
Dan Rather, journalist, University of Texas Graduation
While I take inspiration from the past, like most Americans, I live for the future.
Ronald Reagan, US president,
I know I'm not in government anymore. In fact I'm out of work.
Ronald Reagan, US president, on a speaking tour of Japan
During the blizzard we had three feet of snow - and the pigs are only 18 inches tall. We had to dig tunnels so they could get out.
Dale Riffle, who maintains a haven for unwanted Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pigs in West Virginia
Less and grayer hair.
Cal Ripkin Jr., baseball player, describing how he has changed over the course of his consecutive games record
I've never looked forward to a birthday like I'm looking forward to my new daughter's birthday, because two days after that is when I can apply for reinstatement
Pete Rose, baseball player and prison inmate
Imagine what Disney could do with this material. There could be a parade... with at least one real prince and one real princess on hand.
John Rothchild, proposing a sale of Windsor Castle to Disney to improve the royal family's public image
It's funny. Now they get it. I guess it's not the music for the over-privileged.
Johnny Lydon, alias Johnny Rotten, punk musician
We don't see eye to eye, but we have a common interest: your money.
Johnny Lydon, alias Johnny Rotten, announcing the rationale for a reunion tour
Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.
Don Schula, Miami Dolphins Football Coach
He is neither a strategist nor is he schooled in the operational arts, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general. Other than that he's a great military man.
Norman Schwartzkopf, US general and gulf war commander, describing Saddam Hussein of Iraq
It has no fear.
Yasser Sierawan, chess grand master, describing one competitive advantage of IBM's Deep Blue chess computer
Juliet's so happy and in love, but at the same time so sad and lonely. She's totally neurotic. I could really relate.
Alicia Silverstone, Actress, on Shakespeare's Rome and Juliet
It looked like the fall of the Roman Empire.
Ted Soqui, photographer, describing parts of LA after the Northridge Earthquake
We have a sock talking at our commencement. It's kind of upsetting.
Southampton College student, commenting on a commencement address by Kermit the Frog, 1996.
Now the only thing standing between you and a degree is, well, me. And 18 minutes.
S. Frederic Star, author, at Wooster College Graduation
At my graduation, I thought we had to marry what we wished to become. Now you are becoming the men you once would have wished to marry.
Gloria Steinem, author and activist, Smith College Graduation
It is what you do from now on that will either move our civilization forward a few tiny steps, or else...begin to march us steadily backward.
Patrick Stewart, actor and star fleet captain, at Pomona College Graduation
Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?
Clifford Stoll, hacker stalker and author
You open Kerri's closet and all the short-sleeved shirts are with the short sleeved shirts, and the long-sleeved shirts are with the long-sleeved shirts. Her room is always neat; the bed is always made.
Melanie Strug, on her daughter's perfectionist habits (in addition to gymnastics)
I don't just sweat. I rain.
Charlie Talbert, the title character from the movie Angus
I would advise you to keep your overhead down; avoid a major drug habit; play every day; and take it in front of other people. They need to hear it, and you need them to hear it.
James Taylor, singer and songwriter, Berklee College of Music Graduation
I tell people I'm too stupid to know what's impossible. I have ridiculously large dreams, and half the time they come true.
Debi Thomas US and World figure skating champion, Olympic bronze medalist, and third year medical student
It's as startling as Chelsea Clinton with a Mohawk.
Time Magazine review of music by singer Alanis Morisette
Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.
Donald Trump, hotel and casino owner, to Larry King
The 1990's sure aren't like the 1980's
Donald Trump
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes comic strip
Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad.
Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper
Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.
George F. Will, journalist, political commentator
I will be brief. Not nearly so brief as Salvador Dali, who gave the world's shortest speech. He said "I will be so brief I have already finished," and he sat down.
Edward O. Wilson, biologist, at Penn State University Graduation, 1995
Assumptions are the termites of relationships. I wrote that.
Henry Winkler, actor, Emerson College Graduation, 1995
[My customers] usually have to get a ladder to get it [their paper] off the roof or out of the trees. I only hit one out of 100 front porches.
Hal Wright, Age 91, Sierra Booster Newspaper Editor and Flying Paper Boy, 1996
It's really age discrimination. They shudder when you mention that.
Hal Wright, Age 91, Sierra Booster Newspaper Editor and Flying Paper Boy, after the FAA tried to take away his pilot's license, 1996
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright, commedian
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright, commedian, 1994
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright, commedian, 1994
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
Steven Wright, commedian, 1994

The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.

Scott Adams, Dilbert creator, author, re-engineering sage, 1996
In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called Karoshi. I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you hear a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.
Scott Adams, Dilbert's manager from The Dilbert Principle, 1996
Sis, even if you were adopted, I'd still love you...
American Greetings, from a 'less-than-tasteful' greeting card, 1997
The Lord had the wonderful advantage of being able to work alone.
Kofi Annan, UN Secretary General, answering why he had not implemented organizational reforms after five months when 'God created the universe in seven days',1997
I am from Denmark and I am new at this. Why do you get two points for a basket?
Anonymous European Journalist, to US basketball player Karl Malone, during the summer Olympics, 1996.
Please stop. They really smell bad.
Anonymous Postal Employee, asking postal patrons to cease sending severed pig's ears to ear-biting boxer Mike Tyson, 1997.
God sent a truck.
Anonymous Resident, from a poor section of Miami, explaining how God had answered his prayers after a Brinks truck overturned on the highway, spilling $400K of money, which was carted off by local residents, 1997.
Once was enough.
Christophe Auguin, French teacher, sailor, after sailing around the world solo in 106 days, 1997


We can wear flat shoes now and be fat.

Ann Barbour, United Airlines flight attendant, commenting on a new agreement on working conditions, 1996.
I would like to believe that the discovery of even a single fossil bacteria on Mars would teach us what we ought to know all along, and that is what binds us here on earth-- all the diverse peoples here-- is really much more profound than what seems to separate us.
Richard Berendzen, American University Professor, August 6, 1996
A hundred years from now Bob Dole's new tax plan will rate a footnote in the history books and this may have a whole chapter in itself.
Richard Berendzen, American University Professor, on the announcement that signs of extra terrestrial life were found in a meteorite, August 6, 1996
Well, they're really outhouses. Once you've seen a race, you can't not be a fan.
Mark Blair, attendee, at the Great Outhouse Blowout (where they push 'em down the road on wheels -- what were you thinking?), Gravel Switch KY, 1996
The kids get ready for school like they always do, and you throw them in the boat.
Talbert Boop, Hatfield Indiana resident, on dealing with widespread flooding, 1997.
It looked like a Taco Bell after an earthquake.
Karen Breslau, reporter for Newsweek, describing Air Force One after hitting severe air turbulence while serving mexican food, 1996.
What are we supposed to do, write them a ticket?.
Kenny Bryson, Washington DC Police Department spokesman, on being told that the Pentagon has no contingency plan for an invasion from outer space, and refers callers to local authorities, 1996
It's been different. I started driving again. I started cooking again. My driving's better than my cooking. George has discovered Sam's Club.
Barbara Bush, former first lady, describing life out of the public eye to David Letterman, December 6th, 1996
The only time I had any butterflies was when I stood up and backed toward the open door and looked down.
George Bush, former US President, describing his sky diving experience, 1997


I want to sit on the other side so I can look out the window. I've already seen everything on my side of the bus.

Kimberly Carpenter, age 8, whose school system mandates boys and girls must sit on opposite sides of a school bus, 1997
I won't be able to do what I'm doing forever. There aren't that many scripts floating around for fifty-year-old chicks.
Cher, pop singer and actress, 1996.
A threat is basically a means for establishing a bargaining position by inducing fear in the subject. When a threat is used, it should always be implied that the subject himself is to blame by using words such as "You leave me no other choice but to..." He should never be told to comply "or else!"
CIA 'Human Resources' Manual, for Latin America, recently declassified, 1997.
Heavens, no! It could get subpoenaed. I can't write anything.
Hillary Clinton, US First Lady, when asked if she had a diary, 1996.
If I end up with two marks in my neck, you'll know what happened.
Al Copeland, owner of the Straya restaurant in New Orleans, after a disagreement with local resident Anne Rice, vampire novelist, 1996.


We're in uncharted territory here...

Dan Dierdorf, ABC sports commentator, preparing to announce the first womens' professional boxing match on network television (Won by Yvonne Trevino), 1997
You know, a better man for a better America. That's sort of our slogan.
Bob Dole, Republican Presidential Nominee, on C-Span, 1996
The Brooklyn Dodgers had a no hitter last night.
Bob Dole, Republican Presidential Nominee, four decades after the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles, 1996
Just tap into my web page at
Bob Dole, Republican Presidential Nominee, the first person to mention a URL in a presidential debate, 1996
Elizabeth's back at the red cross, and I'm walking the dog.
Bob Dole, on the Today Show, describing life after the elections, 1997


I simply decided I had enough money.

Charles Feeney, wealthy anonymous benefactor, on why he has donated $600 million to selected charities, 1997.
Rule 1: Be a creature unlike any other.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, authors, from THE RULES: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, 1995
Rule 5: Don't call him and rarely return his calls.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, authors, from THE RULES: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, 1995
Rule 20: Be honest but mysterious.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, authors, from THE RULES: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, 1995
There's a fine line between boxing and chaos.
Gordon Fink, Deputy Attorney General, aftr Mike Tyson bit off part of Evander Holyfield's ear during a championship fight, 1977.
I'm not going to allow you to parade witnesses who are from the planet Mars.
Hiroshi Fujusaki, Los Angeles superior court judge, to defense attorneys in the O.J. Simpson civil trial, 1996.


Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Garbage Back.

Garbage Truck, Cambridge, Massachusettes, 1997
Well, she is bigger than the other girls out there.
Ann Gardner, New Mexico resident, regarding Akicia Machado, Miss Universe, told by officials to lose weight or lose her crown, 1996
If I could find the guy who did this, I promise you I'd kick his butt.
Matt Ghaffari, US Greco-Roman Wrestling Silver Medalist, about the person responsible for the Centennial park bombing, Atlanta Olympics, 1996.
It freshens your breath and helps prevent tartar.
Mel Gibson, actor, while eating a dog biscuit at Harvard, 1996
There is still no cure for the common birthday.
John Glenn, US senator, former Marine and Astronaut, announcing his retirement at age 75, 1996


I would like them to leave a little bit of New York for the old-timers.

Fred Hakim, lunch counter owner, on Disney's face-lift of Times Square, New York, 1997
Operations such as processing invoices and ordering supplies will be greatly curtailed now that we have no money.
Mikki Halpin, editor of the Stim web 'zine, 1997.
It irks me when people use the character's name in a demeaning way.
Larry Harmon, AKA 'Bozo the Clown' after his stage name was used for political purposes by Bob Dole, 1996
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood--Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
Goldie Hawn, actress, 1996
I was with some Vietnamese recently, and some of them were smoking two cigarettes at the same time. That's the kind of customers we need!
Jesse Helms, US Senator from North Carolina, at a dinner to promote the state's tobacco industry, 1996.


We inherited the planet from our ancestors 3,000 years ago.

Adam Ismail, one of three Yemeni men claiming ownership of Mars, and suing NASA for trespassing, 1997.


My only political ambition is to be re-elected.

Glenda Jackson, British actress and current M.P., on career aspirations, 1997.
Fruit, Purina Monkey Chow, and the occaisonal oreo.
Dietary needs of Jiggs, last chimpanzee to appear as 'Cheeta' in the Tarzan movies, 1997.
I vote for beer.
Phillip Jimeno, Maryland state senator, on his recommendation for the official state drink, 1997.
I want to do a musical movie. Like Evita, but with good music.
Elton John, English musician, singer and songwriter, on future plans, 1996.
I was always sending batteries and headless dolls in the mail. I think that's what caught their attention.
Mark Johnson-Williams, 'Tickle-Me Elmo' doll designer, on why authorities had considered him a potential Unabomber suspect, 1997.


I do.

Clark Kent, a.k.a. Superman, to Lois Lane, star reporter, after dating for 58 years, 1996
I never liked my own species.
Gary Larsen, Far Side Cartoonist, on why so many of his comics are about animals, in an interview, 1996
Items in President Clinton's Medical File: #5. Soreness in lower back from years of flip-flopping.
David Letterman, talk show host, 'Top Ten' list, 1996
I thought it was too wacky for the general public.
George Lucas, movie producer, director, and creator of Star Wars, on his original opinion of his movie's chances for success, 1997.
You're in charge but don't touch the controls.
Shannon Lucid, record setting American astronaut, recounting what the two Russian cosmonauts tell her each time they leave the Mir space station for a spacewalk, 1996.
The only thing it would be nice to have more of would be M & M's.
Shannon Lucid, record setting American astronaut, after 6 months on Space Station Mir, 1996.
When she gets back to earth, she'll be like a tire that's ready to be retreaded.
Rev. J. Oscar Wells, father of astronaut Shannon Lucid, on her eagerness to return to space,1996.


Childhood pictures and pictures of my life. Do you know how many pictures that is? Not just this life; I have pictures from 13,000 lives.

Shirley Maclaine, actress, author, dancer, singer, and reincarnation proponent, on things she had to pack before leaving her home in advance of a forest fire, 1996.
I'm not interrested in being Wonder Woman in the delivery room. Give me drugs.
Madonna, singer and actress, requesting an epidural in advance of childbirth, 1996
I can still smell the tear gas in the Hilton Hotel.
Eugene McCarthy, former US Senator, reminiscing about the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago, 1996.
The pride and presence of a professional football team is far more important than 30 libraries.
Art Modell, owner of the Baltimore Ravens (formerly Cleveland Browns), 1996
I read half of it, then I skipped through. I already know what it's about, though.
Dominique Monceau, adolescent US olympic gymnast, on reading her 'autobiography'. 1996.
There'll never be another ewe? Don't count on it!
News Headline, after Scottish scientists clone a sheep, 1997
Twenty-two years of tofu is a lot of time.
Paul Obis, creator of Vegetarian Times, on his decision to start eating meat, 1997


If elected, I will win.

Pat Paulsen, US commedian, commenting on his fifth, and final, presidential campaign, 1996


If Thomas Jefferson had heard us, he probably would have said, 'We shouldn't have free speech.'

Robin Quivers, co-host of the Howard Stern radio show, 1996
Well, does he still have his fingernails?
Bill Richardson, US Congressman, and nominee for UN Representative, making inquiries while negotiating the release of a US Army pilot from North Korea, in Time, 1996.
Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.
Mark Russel, Political satirist, composer, performer, Nov 6 1996


Sign, at the entrance to the IRS building in Washington D.C., 1997 (can I buy a vowel?)
I catnap now and then, but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time.
Martha Stewart, ever-active home/garden/craft author and TV show personality, 1996.


She is such a sad soul. It is good that it is over. Nobody was happy anyhow. I know I should preach family love and unity, but in their case...
Mother Teresa, Nobel Laureate, on the British Royal Divorce (Charles and Dianna), 1996.
I think I'm more difficult than critical.
Mother Teresa, Nobel Laureate, recovering in a Calcutta, India hospital, 1996.
The United States has got some of the dumbest people in the world. I want you to know that we know that.
Ted Turner, media mogul, author, actor, and baseball team owner, addressing international journalists, 1996.
In the movie I'm single. It can be pretty rough, women thinking I'm single. I get kissed all the time.
Fred Tuttle, Vermont dairy farmer, after starring in a pseudo-documentary in which he ran for US Congress just to collect the salary, 1996.


Rust, Gash, Toxin, Gangrene, Roach, Frostbite, Asphyxia, Bruise, Plague, Mildew.
Urban Decay, makeup brand color names, 1996.
I've been wondering: What does it mean? Is it derogatory?
Joanne Waugh, referring to the term 'Soccer Mom', used in the US elections, 1996.
In science we are really good at disproving things and are very poor at proving things. Theories like the Theory of Relativity go on and on because no one can think of anything better.
Richard Zayre, Professor at Stanford University, August 6, 1996
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why -- he does.
Joey Adams
Never trust the advice of a man in difficulties.
Never judge a work of art by its defects.
Washington Allston
Remember: It is 10 times harder to command the ear than to catch the eye.
Duncan Maxwell Anderson
Don't just stand there -- do something.
When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.
Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose.
If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record.
Take care that the face that looks out from the mirror in the morning is a pleasant face. You may not see it again during the day, but others will.
If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
Yassir Arafat
Don't condescend to unskilled labor. Try it for half a day first.
Brooks Atkinson
If you don't run your own life, somebody else will.
John Atkinson
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.
Marcus Aurelius
The art of living is more like that of wrestling than of dancing; the main thing is to stand firm and be ready for an unseen attack.
Marcus Aurelius
Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most agreeable.
Francis Bacon
Never practice two vices at once.
Tallulah Bankhead
Avoid contradicting in general, especially people you love.
Maurice Baring
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
W.G. Benham
Always behave as if nothing had happened, no matter what has happened.
Arnold Bennett
Call no man foe but never love a stranger.
Stella Benson
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
Al Bernstein
Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.
Ambrose Bierce
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
Ambrose Bierce
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.
Josh Billings
Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.
Josh Billings
Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into.
Josh Billings
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
Napoleon Bonaparte
If you look at life one way, there is always cause for alarm.
Elizabeth Bowen
Never use intuition.
Omar Bradley
Always behave like a duck -- keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.
Jacob Braude
If you can't return a favor, pass it on.
Louise Brown
If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed.
Beau Brummel
Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then. Life is boring without it.
Pearl S. Buck
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.
Leo F. Buscaglia
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done.
Aaron Burr
To make pleasures pleasant, shorten them.
Charles Buxton
You cannot acquire experience by making experiments. You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.
Albert Camus.
Don't wait for the last judgment. It takes place every day.
Albert Camus
You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone.
Al Capone
Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.
Dale Carnegie
If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep.
Dale Carnegie
When fate hands us a lemon, let's try to make a lemonade.
Dale Carnegie
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
Lewis Carrol, from Alice in Wonderland
Never stand begging for what you have the power to earn.
Miguel de Cervantes
In action, be primitive; in foresight, a strategist.
Rene Char
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.
Lord Chesterfield
You must look into people, as well as at them.
Lord Chesterfield
Know the true value of time; snatch, seize, and enjoy every moment of it. No idleness; no laziness; no procrastination: never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
Lord Chesterfield
Whenever a man seeks your advice he generally seeks your praise.
Lord Chesterfield
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
G. K. Chesterton
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time--a tremendous whack.
Winston Churchill
Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody.
John Churton Collins
Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.
James Bryant Conant
Never get angry. Never make a threat. Reason with People
Don Corleone from The Godfather by Mario Puzo
Sunburn is very becoming -- but only when it is even -- one must be careful not to look like a mixed grill.
Noel Coward
Keeping your clothes well pressed will keep you from looking hard pressed.
Coleman Cox
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Monta Crane
The real world is not easy to live in. It is rough; it is slippery. Without the most clear-eyed adjustments we fall and get crushed. A man must stay sober: not always, but most of the time.
Clarence Day
Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many, not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Charles Dickens
Keep up appearances whatever you do.
Charles Dickens
Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it.
Paul Dickson
Never take anything for granted.
Benjamin Disraeli
Never complain and never explain.
Benjamin Disraeli
Trust Everybody, but cut the cards.
Finley Peter Dunne
Win any way as long as you can get away with it. Nice guys finish last.
Leo Durocher
If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others.
Tryon Edwards
If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.
Albert Einstein
Big Ideas are so hard to recognize, so fragile, so easy to kill. Don't forget that, all of you who don't have them.
John Elliot, Jr.
Hitch your wagon to a star.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
First, learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.
Slight not what's near, when aiming at what's far.